‘Get Fucked’ says Uni Games Drinking Veteran After Announcement of a More ‘Competitive’ Uni Games

The recent announcement that Australian University Sport is attempting to introduce a more ‘competitive’ atmosphere to the beloved Uni Games has received an overwhelmingly negative response from student-athletes and student drinkers alike. Several changes Australian University Sport has imposed include relabelling ‘Australian Uni Games’ and ‘Northern Uni Games’ as Uni Games Nationals Division 1 and 2, in hopes to assert a more serious league for the professionals of the future.

The ruling that individual universities are only able to submit one team per gender per sport into the competition has sparked outrage across the tertiary education community.

Bradley (22), three-time consecutive 3rd team QUT basketball team member was quite liberal in his disgust for the tainting of a traditional week of voluptuous drinking, with some sports on the side.

“It doesn’t even make sense, they’re going to lose money because not as many students are gonna pay to play. How am I supposed to organize my chilli-pepper, dog-food based rookie challenge now?”

Team managers expressed immediate panic when they realised they can no longer hook up all the boys for a sick week during the break, and they would have to actually select their teams based on ability. Other previously uncommon procedures now had to be organized, such as having more than one trial, as well as actual practice sessions that involved the sport and not alcohol consumption.

Some team managers seemed unfazed by the new regulations and confidently assured that this attitude change would not affect their classic university experience.

“I don’t really mind,” declared Jenny (21), team manager for the croquet team, “our sport is pretty chill regarding physical ability, we’ll still be able to hammer some balls in after a hard night of drinking, no worries.”

The announcement that ASADA would be making random drug tests at the games also seemed to draw the attention of a significant portion of the student-athletes. So far no potential athletes have come forward to make any comments regarding this announcement, as was expected.

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