QUT Stalkerspace Hires Peter Dutton to Control Inflow of Migrating UQ Students

In the last two weeks, QUT has seen two monumental controversies. The first was by a woman named Jayde who asked people $100 to housesit, and the second was the controversy of a student, Yuhao Yan, stealing a programming assignment off of one Dylan Buckley.

What has highlighted this moment has been the inflow of “high-quality memes” from QUT students. These memes have been such a highlight that they have caught the attention of various jealous UQ students, who realise that sandstone and bin chickens can only allow you to remain culturally relevant for a short period of time. Despite claiming that the scholarship they got because their dad knew someone was better than QUT ever could offer, students are becoming highly insecure about QUT’s growing status.

Many UQ students reluctantly admitted that the level of meme quality in the once glorified UQ Stalkerspace has been a great disappointment recently. First year student Beth stated “The most interesting thing happening here is people missing the toilet bowl and shitting on the floor”. Another UQ student Phoebe stated on the two controversies and subsequent posts, that “UQ Stalkerspace needs to get back to this pedigree of content or I’ll be converted to QUT Stalkerspace for good.”

It is comments like the latter that has caught the attention of QUT students, who are concerned that their way of life will be taken over.

“We have built something beautiful here, we have developed a life. How dare they try and take that from us” one student noted.

In response to these concerns, QUT Stalkerspace admins have hired Immigration Minister Peter Dutton to control the flow of incoming UQ socialites. In a statement, Mr. Dutton said after declining numerous requests to join the group that “I think the important point to remember in all of this is had those 20 students arrived, 200 inner-city coffees or 2000 R.M Williams shoes would have followed them”

Dutton wasted no time in putting systems in place to prevent mass cross-institutional meme migration. In the same press conference, Dutton announced a brand new test that would deem whether these UQ students could integrate into QUT.

Potential QUT Stalkerspace members will be expected to be able to navigate their way around protestors, finding the best halal-snack pack shop, and justifying why Justice was a good idea. A physical aspect is also expected, with potential members expected to make it up the KG hill, running to catch the shuttle bus, and carrying a hot coffee while running to get to your lecture on time.

Dutton has also made it clear that UQ students will not have all the rights to Stalkerspace. He confirmed that students migrating will not have the right to make any memes, yet opposition has claimed this won’t be a concern as they can’t shitpost in the first place. He also confirmed that the right to the word “QUTies” is forbidden.

Many UQ students have publicly cried that this punishment is unfair. Michael stated “we already have to suffer through the 66 and St Lucia traffic. We have earnt the right to become QUTies”. Michael further stated. “Have they forgotten that we were there first. That was our homeland, they came in and took it from us.”

The hiring of Dutton came after unsuccessful attempts to get UQ to build a wall around QUT, all of which would be funded by “totally legitimate donations”.

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