Heavily Drug Tested Russian Team Relieved to Discover Their Samples Went “Missing”

During the World Cup, Russia has shocked the world by advancing to the Round of 8 after defeating Spain 3-4 in a penalty shootout. For Russia, this is a significant achievement on the world stage, especially considering that this is being achieved in front of the team’s home crowd.

For the Russian Football Union (UEFA), they wanted to make it clear that the team was professional and was playing with all skill. In a statement released by UEFA President Vitaly Mutko, he congratulated the team for their outstanding, absolutely legitimate performance so far. Mutko also stated that he looks forward to a safe return of the Russian team and their families.

However, the statement also raised eyebrows as it announced that drug test samples of the Russian football team had, for some reason, gone missing. Concern grew considering it is well known that the Russians have actively doped in years gone past.

“This is a true shame” the statement noted. “We try our best to make sure our athletes know how to avoid drug tests. We work hard to give our athletes their best chance to win, and the last thing we want is to find out we’ve been caught cheating”. Many have asked whether Russia had something to do with this. The Kremlin denied reports that the Russians had meddled with the testing.

When asked about their thoughts on the drug test, Russian captain Igor Akinfeev noted how relieved the team was.

“We’ve been pumping these drugs into us since we knew Russia was going to host the World Cup. I have so many drugs in me that my blood-type is officially Andriol” the captain stated chugging down a bottle of Vodka.

When asked how bad the drug culture was, Akinfeev responded with the following:

“See Artem Dzyuba over there? He’s actually a 12-year-old female Olympic gymnast that we signed last season”

Despite concerns, Russia has been a welcoming host nation. They are however yet to respond to why a Spanish referee was seen last week clutching a photo of his family and crying.

Concluding their statement, Russia explained that they high expectations of a drug-free football team. The statement concluded by saying “it is very simple. There is no place for football in cheating”.

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