Peter Dutton Wins Unannounced EPIC Leadership Challenge “By Default”

After an unsuccessful leadership challenge against PM Malcolm Turnbull, Peter Dutton has set his sights on an easier target: the EPIC Guild Party.

Announcing today, Peter Dutton outlined on Facebook that he had successfully launched a leadership spill to overthrow EPIC Guild President, Isobella Powell. Despite failing to announce such a challenge, Dutton assures the public that he let the Guild know.

When questioned, Dutton claimed that what he was doing was teaching QUT “politics for the real world”. A Brisbane local, Dutton acknowledged he always wanted to run a Guild, and that this was his chance to make an immediate impact.

As part of his leadership, Dutton has already implemented sweeping reforms. In a controversial move, the conservating MP announced that Origin Kebabs has been placed under investigation after reports say that Pauline Hanson saw them using “HSP’s” to fund “terrorism in the Middle East”.

Concerns were raised that Peter Dutton would eliminate the Toga Fest, but these worries were quickly snubbed out. He stated that he would keep the famous Greek student event going, but tickets could only be purchased after receiving a VA distinction for an essay on the history of white colonialism.

As part of his new cabinet, Dutton has brought in Barnaby Joyce. The renowned one family man says that the Pancakes and Puppy event will be shelved, with the dogs being put down and buggering off back to where they came from, due to lack of proper papers.

 

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