Local teen and known creep Lachlan has today tried to invite a young lady to his house so that she can “swim”. Despite trying all the tips he picked up from the Bachelorette, his efforts failed.

However, Lachlan hopes that with the weather getting hot as fucking shit, women without a pool will finally have to accept the offer or risk heat stroke. Despite calling women thots when they were tank tops and short shirts, his appreciation of women’s bodies suddenly is much more respectful when it’s in a bikini.

“I for one support the use of coal, climate denialist and knocking out turtles. Makes it hotter which means more bikinis” said Lachlan.

“I’ve spoken to a lot of locals when  I’ve had to tell them I’m on a register. When I’m not being told to stay the fuck away from people’s kids, they agree that women wearing bikinis are fantastic.”

Lachlan has reportedly called all the women who declined his offer “sluts” or “dumb bitches” in order to convince them. So far, every woman has apologised and agreed that they are, indeed, a dumb slut.