Catholic Church Discovers Shortage of “Thoughts and Prayers” in Stock Ahead of Coronavirus Pandemic

It may only be 2 months into the New Year, yet already the world has fallen into near-chaos. With intense fires burning in the Amazon, California and Australia for the past year, as well as floods, deaths and international hostilities, leaders and communities around the world are still comprehending the impact of these events.

And yet, rest is not an option as the world faces a global pandemic of coronavirus. Once again, concerns have been raised in regards to each nations response to the outbreak. While most countries have attempted to save face by claiming everything is under control, one nation today made a shocking announcement.

“We have run out of thoughts and prayers” announced the Vatican during a press conference. “It appears that while the earth was slowing burning to the ground, our exporting of thoughts and prayers was not being met with our production of them”.

In a seperate statement, the Pope explained the reasoning behind the Vatican;s largest export drying up.

“We set a quota each year for thoughts and prayers. As you’d come to know by now, we focus those thoughts and prayers on the most important issues. These include 5 year old children being gunned down in school hallways due to inaction on gun control, giving thoughts and prayers away to stop people being gay, and most importantly, bushfire relief.”

Back in Australia, questions have been raised over the Prime Ministers irresponsible use of thoughts and prayers during the bushfire season.

Senior Thoughts and Prayers Advisor for the Catholic Church in Australia, Henry Leed, is one of the governments critics.

“We gave the Prime Minister fair warning that he had to allocate those equally and those were only to be used in times when he didn’t have answers. Unbeknown to us, we forgot that it was Scott Morrison we were dealing with”.

The Vatican has announced an emergency plan to recall some thoughts and prayers and redistribute those who need it the most. Discussions occurred today over whether dying African children or fetuses should have their thoughts and prayers taken away.

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